DESTINY DRIVE

It sometimes strikes as wierd if the role played by what we know as destiny has any thing to do with what is right for us.... what conflicts with this thought is the feeling that we were supposed to have a free will and the power of choice.... isnt that what the holy book says....then again are we still masters of our lives and fate or are we disturbed by that matrix revolutions enigmatic statement that "i wanna be in control of my destiny..."

i have been staring at my footprints in days gone by and have been pondering like mad if there is a purpose for all of this....if destiny was to be so effective then why labour so much at getting what is not meant to be yours....why try the impossible when its easier to be a pessimist and see the jaundiced scenery....
it was when i was going through the biography on Sidney Sheldon that i realized that no matter how easy life looks from a distance its the same horrid battle everywhere...its just the mental makeup with which we resolve to handle our lives that makes a change in our destiny and makes fate hand over the reins to our guts and will to go on...
....

MY BODY A TEMPLE

as a small kid i have often wondered at how much some people put their bodies through,.. just to try and stretch the limits of what the human body is capable of...i have heard of Buddhist monks up in the Himalayas surviving blitzing winds with a wrap around maroon shawl...or those on the Ripley's believe it or not series trying everything from surviving extreme colds to STAYING underwater for inhuman periods ...crazy.. but then these very weird ones not only survive but thrive in such crazy situations....well doesn't it strike us as to how different are we from these people in flesh and blood..NOT VERY DIFFERENT...so hypothetically speaking most of us too should be able to do the same crazy stuff...survive fatigue, cold, rain and vagaries of weather and terrain... its almost like your bodies were roughed into the wildest and toughest environs to live it up and get immune to it...evolution in its own little ways...sounds easy

but my own genesis into this world was a brutal shock as i slid helplessly into the life i never thought I'd see... life seems easy with mom's food served on every meal, friends to shoulder ur tribulations and pains, comforts of air conditioned rooms/cars /malls and all... the coziness of your mink blanket on a wintry evening someone looking over you when ur down with viral... movies to watch and the realm of mobile phones,Internet and i pods to kill time alone... these were trivial things i had so darn often taken oh so lightly..until life dished out its vaccinations in bulk to make me face the toughest and the bleakest times as if it was my daily bread...
... from the comfort of familiar surroundings i was roped into the profession of arms... almost too soon i found myself fighting the simplest pleasures in life with an oath to build up mental robustness.. it would have been easy if life other wise was a battle by itself...somehow with things happening the way it did i found my worst days until then, a cake walk in comparison to what i was undergoing at the academy...

when the going gets tough, the tough get going

... that was exactly how the anthem went in my little world of guns, guts and glory...it kept me away from my family, friends and life, making hell seem so real...mercy was something i never saw...i thirsted to see a smile, a gesture of love.. and all i could see in the din of military training was toughening and stretching the limits of my poor body till i saw where i could reach, till i saw no boundaries anymore... the pain was sometimes blunt and numb..the misery overpowering... the elements wicked to the core...we saw pain as if it was never ending..we lived through nights when the cold freaky wind snatched the very essence from our souls...we've survived days of brutality which was dished out with so much ease...we lived days missing out on everything and everyone in the real world...a world that got even more distant as the misery built on...

there were many who couldn't make it to the "last step" - the gold embossed words inscribed on the stairs through which we march across to the haunting tune of 'auld lang syne' on the last day of passing out from the academy...there were many who broke down in silence...many cried nights through...many sacrificed life and limb-a price, that training days expects from the wanna be officers and gentlemen

THE SPIDERMAN STORY

WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY....

Oh damn yes I've heard that shit time and again in the spiderman tri series... and sure as the freaking monkeys that use my British era tinned roof for percussion effects every morning, the words do ring a gong in my life gone weary....time and again the torrents of life's absurdity leaves bits of grazing thoughts like a retreating wave leaves shells in its wake....and in all the burden i carry in my own cross, i realize that i live for something more than just breathing the mundane...providence sure has had other things in store for me.... how else someone who could hold a paint brush well finds himself walking grey landscapes totting an automatic assault rifle in his hand and scanning an eye for death and glory.....

today seems like one of those days... days when friends seem like a zillion light years away..days when the mind is swallowed by its own isolated solitude...days when hope of warmer days and sunny shores dims in the dark shades of strife... days when the profession of arms calls for a sacrifice of individuality and the self...

well and then there are days when i beat the drudgery of an overdose of olive green in my veins with stolen tales from the big screen...more than often i have found my answers to the popping mysteries of life in the comfort of a movie hall...a celluloid freak...mmm well maybe but then at times it tells me what women think, at times it shares glimpses of valour and honour ... at times the evil that men do and more often than not that matrix reloaded question as to why i exist in my own social noose...

life in the army was never meant to be a walk in the clouds... the sacrifices it expects from one is at times far too much for the withered soul to handle..especially when these sacrifices are things and people one holds dearest to his heart.....family, friends, a flicker of hope with a girl a thousand miles away...well the list goes on. The concept of sacrificing ones life is seemingly the easiest when reflected against the trillion choice less decisions one has to make in the never ending realms of sacrifice....and sometimes in selfish zeal it hurts to know that you would have been a wee bit better off if you could just do what your heart wanted and not have to say yes to the organisation always...
... but then this life is not for all... the charms of the uniform and the rifle still draws more gullibles to become heroes in a world so far far away. It sometimes strikes me as i lead soldiers into the shadow of death- when fears have blinded ones vision and holding your wits straight is just too damn crazy- that

with great power comes great responsibility


spiderman's story doesn't seem too different... life sucks king size in his world... time and again the dude is helpless in being there for his souls gravity-Mary Jane ... he sure might be a hero in a different rig, yet he seems like the next door limp who messes up every where he goes...he too is faced with the dilemma of choosing between duty and love...and ahh! spiderman too has his battles with giving up all that he has...all for the dying hope of being normal again...

...life in this crazy town is so damn close to spidey's tale that i feel i could start wearing the red and blue outfit to swing around town...life sure has been a trip into a nintendo game...kinda sacrificed too much too soon...lost friends to the growing distances and time...in solitude I've been drifting to bygone days when things were normal and i didn't bother two hoots about what the nation needs or what changes i could bring in my own little world...to days when i could live by my heart and follow my dreams...huh alas ...like i said sometimes choices are the biggest sacrifice we make...and this is the sacrifice destiny has in store for me...

in all this gloomy chaos I've sure found nirvana in sublime glory and honour...i have definitely touched lives i would have never met other wise...lived days like it was the pages of history turning in some wild war flick...seen this, done that, been there... and oooh yeah survived shitzone big time ....and so i live each day for glory and honour..

this is me...lone wolf dancing to his own lil tune in a world where cold steel can be a warm friend...

SALUTATIONS TO WASTED MOMENTS IN 2006

EAGERLY CLOSING IN ON THE NEW YEAR...Im looking for ways and means to reflect on the time spent/wasted this year...as i grope in the darkness that borders my chaotic lifestyle....a year of soldiering fades into 2007. lets see what the lone wolf did in 2006....

01/02 jan i was on a covert ambush....which eventually broke into a firefight...though the uglies fled ...only to be despatched to the maker on 18 the same month in one helluva bloody massacre ...once again courtesy the lone wolf....... mid feb planned another operation to put surgeons to shame...and killed one ugly in cold blood... advised BIG people running the show in an entire district on security requirments...and they obeyed

...ensured and presided over my first curfew....no incidents..and no beatings...thats amazing coz the cops on the other hand had a field day... ...lost two friends in the most brutal act of terrorism ... a couple, the lady five months pregnant...killed coz the uglies couldnt get even miles close to me...id sniff them out..(i cried like a baby when i saw the bodies...and then kept crying entire nights for a week...)

pretty soon...3 days to be exact caught one terrorist and one more who masterminded and aided in the killing...felt like killing the guy with my bare hands...didnt know what stopped me...

went on leave after thirteen months...and "broke up" with someone whom i liked...even though we never were together or had anything going on ..(that must be the first of its kind)...i just couldnt live the army way by missing her everyday with no future to our relation...

mid april....organised two totally happening dance nights for the local

youths in a terrorism infested area...got drunk big time on the second event... did a lil bit of DJ ing for the events....kool got into orkut and was foolish enuff to start my blog...in whatever shape

stopped smoking...and then started again and then stopped...now ive stopped for some time....hopefully for a longer time rest .........caught up with a lotta friends college/school bum chums...army brats and all..life is good

lets see what else...oh yes bought my first motorcycle...mean as a wolf....ride on

warm shores....

....after close to five years in the folds of a war gone crazy, with the daily dose of cracking gunfire and violence inc...i have finnaly reached safer shores...peace has its own wierd ways...too much of things i never joined the forces for...i see soldiering fading in the realms of mundane routine... and then i have the older of the olives with their advices on scrapping that lonehood from life and joining the small chaos of commitment, marriage and the sorts...'this is the best place to get married...else ur wasting this tenure...'..

...well with so much happening what scares me..

...will she fit in ... am i gonna change...are things gonna change between us....would i shoulder a broken home for my kids...what if my deepest love might fade as forghed time and again in that matrix revolutions theme..." everything that has a beginning has an end"

...i dont wanna hurry...i wanna be the best there could be....i wanna be there... sigh...but some things are not to be.. my life is not like anything ppl know about...sacrifice is not bout laying down ones life(that would be tooo easy)...its about missing out on life...six years and i've been eluded from the real world...but then how different is the real world...or are greener pastures just a mirage of a shy dream?....

THE BLADE OF SILENCE

WHERE DEATH MET VALOUR

The acid night was like any other, a twisted tale of déjà vu

Blurring angst of the pouring rain, in darkness that bore through

A concoction of questions and riddles that fueled my crystalline doubt

Each step a little slow, every breath laboured as I moved about

The melancholy of the angry rain seeped through in subtle fury

My fate lay in oblivion with the dreary landscape and its morbid story

Every sound roared as thunder, every quiver let a serpent of fear flow
Thoughts of bitter loneliness in a vague nightmare crept through slow

In the din of impending danger my thoughts froze, profound and fearful

The training of ages past slipped my grasp in eluding shadows sad and woeful

“Enemy ahead” – the words from the first scout caught my senses in a frenzy

Death, doubt, fears clouded my being as every muscle twitched in misery

“Where was I-the enemy or the comrade?” - left me in a dark lonely hole
Click! Weapon readied, eager eyes scanned as every curve bore my soul
The darkness within and without engulfed the scene in an eerie silence
Was I blind, afraid or cautious, I could not perceive in absolute violence

The rain still poured its woes on mother earth’s belly

The fear still jiggled my senses like evil jelly

The darkness still merged every shadow in a macabre spell

Weaving a tapestry of dilemma and blindness in a silent well

Utter nakedness stripped me of my deepest fears

Helpless, immobile - the soul let out a crippled tear

Momentary lapse of tactics in a starless sky

Temporary grasp of fearful agony in a two faced die

I couldn't run – the image of a leader haunted me

I couldn't act thoughts of losing a comrade let things be

Surprise my only armour was withered and dying

As streaks of mauve sent a blush into the purple sky

The dawn would soon make a sojourn of joy

Yet steal the purpose and density of a plan so coy

In utter arrogance I moved towards the enemy within

Crawled, crouched and slithered to commit sin

Blood shot eyes over hung laboured breath

As muscle made way through cover in stealth

In a matter of time I moved in towards the house

As fear and impending danger in my soul arose

Kaboom! Followed by a blitzkrieg of flying lead came my way

With cruel intentions to make that my last ugly day

Yet providence in all sincerity saw me to safety’s home

And pulled me out of the guerrilla's impressive kill zone

In sheer panic I squeezed my fearful grasp

Just to let out bullets like a hungry wasp

In chaos they found their destined mark

And left me standing unscathed, tall and dark

In a moment of sheer blunder and terror

I saw my foe fall to death for one untimely error

As fate would play its cards, I stood there a hero

Only I knew how close I was to ground zero

First blood – first tryst with death on an oft walked track

Death meets valour, as they call me the hero of the pack

PENTA BLITZ........thou shall not kill....ooo! shit!

Its been a zillion eras since the last kill .. a blitzkrieg on humanity... and yet the prints seem as fresh on my mind as if they were the highlights of the 'yesterday 'that faded tooo slow into today for comfort...it flashes like an angry wasp in and out of my sanity and time and again steals my innocence in the company of friends....
...... a zillion eras back....lone wolf on a mission that seemed like just another uneventful operation to follow and fade with the passage of time and chaos of counter terrorism duties.....the day, an uneventful humid glimpse of the impending violence........

.....mission briefing...weapon and hi tech equipment geared up....the killer guerrilla team walks into the day, mouthing their own little prayer for the promise of a greener tommorow....we were six mean mothers...alll set with our egos greased... our tactics perfected...dressed to mingle..the covert operatives were ready for launch into the belly of terrorism....go undercover and establish covert surveillance for move of the terrorist elements....
....lone wolf , dressed to make a school kid seem bad...moved on ...armed with a 9 mm auto pistol tucked away in innocence inside a schoolbag...

1157AM....we reach in sub groups near a school compound...eyes scan as we try to seem like the everyday labour of dull life...nothing....nothing to make the soul jump....
i guess its the quite before the freaky storm.....

....my casual scan catches an annomaly.... wrinkles of experience in that shit hole taught me that...

....two uglies....they walk towards our turf in absolut ignorance...but alas ! our eyes make contact and for a moment a pall drenches the landscape...in a milli second a zillion thoughts flash as my inner eye senses fear and doubt in those dark eyes...
...i dont see any weapons...but thats the way these bastards move...slithering through the dangerous terrain... killing and kidnapping people...extorting money and making peace seen like a remote planet
....gotta check him out...gotta be sure of that moment of truth when the eyes spoke ,,,,,...
..tooo many questions... too many fears...."i hope its not a civilian....couldnt live with such a blunder to my belt"..........
....bulll shit....act man act.........pistol out i give up the surprise to challenge the pair....hey stop!....Shit ME...they flee....mounting on their bikes and catch the wind like banshees........ ratatatatatt....the guns booom as uglies and lone wolf exchange a moment of evil kill....
damn....MISSED.....

on foot and an ace athlete ages ago .... i sprint behind for a closer shot....thich brush....bambooo grove and flashing thoughts of death cloud me.......god .... i lost them.............SHIT..this is not me.... i had a duty to prove me and the friggin ARMY before my troops......had to chase the uglies...................

huff....hufff..... hufff........pant........pant.................
...............i run like mad...... not seeing where.... just following the traces of broken track the freaks left before hellll befelll on these buggers.........two and more kilometers with bloodshot eyes and laboured breath the lonewolf moves through helll and like.....eyes lit up as i spot that unfortunate killer...llast push and i close in...grenades splinters couldnt stop the inertia to sin....

couple of more swear words and death lay mocking that little ugly face...

shot one through the cheek and one through the chest...letting gallons of blood flow.........
for me time stood still.......success for the army meant sin for me.....i had crossed that ;line... kill and be killed..didnt seem toooo far away... worst of alll it felt goood getting even....

ever since five more saw the light through these unforgiving hands....penta kill....five times the sinner i was.....five times closer to ending the pain the same evil way.....